tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35104586839970142282023-11-15T10:49:50.400-08:00Dead-Letter OfficeGinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-44740995760514343472013-07-29T05:51:00.001-07:002013-07-29T05:51:24.271-07:00Dear AmtrakDear Amtrak:<div><br></div><div>Cut your shit out and stop fucking up the commuter rail track. I'm sick and tired of being 25-30 minutes late all the time. What the actual fuck could you assholes be doing to the track every day for years in the same 20-mile stretch? </div><div><br></div><div>Also your workers must be invisible or imaginary because I never see them anywhere.</div><div><br></div><div>Goddammit.</div><div><br></div><div>Signed,</div><div>Some of Us Have to Work, You Know?</div>Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-11352880431370197912013-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:002013-05-24T09:52:09.113-07:00Dear Adobe AcrobatDear Adobe Acrobat:<br />
<br />
I'm just going to come right out and say it: I think I'm in love with you. The fact that I can enter in a few lines of text, move around some text boxes, click a couple buttons, and then look like I'M a genius for designing a fillable, online, application form in a half hour makes me weep with appreciation.<br />
<br />
You are the wind beneath my wings.<br />
<br />
((HUGS)),<br />
Your Secret Admirer <br />
<br />
<br />Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-81658954901823246692013-05-16T13:12:00.000-07:002013-05-16T13:13:29.705-07:00Dear Train RidersDear Everyone Who Rides a Commuter Train:<br />
<br />
You know what one of my top pet-peeves is? People who talk on the quiet-ride car. Even if it is quick & in a whisper, it's still really annoying and rude. You know what tops that pet peeve? When someone's phone rings and instead of silencing that shit immediately, they ANSWER THE PHONE and proceed to have the following conversation without much variance:<br />
<br />
"Hello? Hello? Yeah. No. I'm on the quiet car. The quiet car. Yeah. Uh huh... What? No, I can't talk right now. No. I'm on the quiet car. Yes. Ok... Ok... Ok. What? I'll call you back. No, I'll call you back. Ok... K. Bye."<br />
<br />
Unless you are some combination of blind, deaf, illiterate, and completely stupid, there is no way of not knowing you are on the quiet-ride car. There are signs posted everywhere. The conductors mention it constantly. Mostly, no one else is so much as breathing loudly. I just don't get why you wouldn't turn off your phone as soon as you got on the train. And if you forgot, then why, upon ringing, you would not just make it stop ringing asap. Answering the call just puts you in the top echelon of ass-hattery. It is irritating as shit, people.<br />
<br />
My days are full of people talking at me. I really enjoy the 40-or-so minutes of relative peace & quiet that I get on the train commuting to and from work. Stop screwing it up with your selfishness and idiocy.<br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
The Quiet-Ride Car Nazi<br />
<br />
PS: You shouldn't bother with a smartphone if you don't know how to silence a call or set the damn thing on vibrate.<br />
<br />
PPS: You don't have anyone fooled by using a hands-free ear piece or headphones with the tiny speaker on the cord. You just look like an insane person talking to themselves, which is even more fucking annoying.<br />
<br />
<br />Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-56351821409220095332013-04-26T09:12:00.001-07:002013-04-26T09:13:19.528-07:00Open Letter to Former GuildiesFrom time to time I will give everyone's eyes a break from my rantings and post letters written by others. The following is an open letter from an MMORPG player to her former guild-mates:<br />
<br />
Begin:<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
(originally written in February 2012; updates made August 2012 through February 2013)
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
WARNING: the following announcement will burn several bridges.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anthony (quit WoW early 2013)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rob (quit WoW September 2012)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jay (quit WoW late 2012)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chas (joined another server)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mo (quit WoW late 2012)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Brian</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garys (?) I think there are two.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dan</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
John (I don't even know where he is now)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Justin (quit WoW sometime in summer 2012)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jess</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If your name happens to be listed above,
congratulations! You have earned my respect and trust, and I genuinely
like you as people. And I will also regret leaving you behind to deal
with the asshatery. But, thanks to RealID, we can still
communicate, so that helps. Be sure to give me a whisper if you ever
need anything, and I will be more than happy to assist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now, it's time to ignite the flames of hatred.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jim--So, let me get this straight...you're a
racist, homophobic, rabbit-murdering, microscopic-minded Army twat who
sounds like Ray Romano on painkillers, and yet you put ME on your ignore
list because...? Ok, fine. Be that way. I sincerely
hope you die in a car fire. Go and tell that to your wife and kids.
(UPDATE: Jim left the guild not long after me, so this insult is now
moot. My respect for him has increased a tad).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kelly--You are a close contender in the "I'm so
passive-aggressive, I can't really maybe definitely possibly make up my
mind...kinda" contest. Your constant waffling back and forth, combined
with your utter inability to heal and your condescending
nature towards me, pisses me the fuck off. Also, don't tell me to learn
my class when you obviously can't get your shit together. Know me for
who I am and learn some fucking respect.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sean--Grow a penis and learn how to run a raid. That is all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dinesh--DING DING DING! You are the winner of the
"Most Annoyingly Passive-Aggressive Raider of All Time" sweepstakes!
Your prize? A giant middle finger, courtesy of me. You're welcome.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jesse--<wbr></wbr>GRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATS<wbr></wbr>GRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATS!<wbr></wbr>GRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATS<wbr></wbr>GRATSGRATS
MOTHERFUCKER! But on a more serious note, I should thank you for
helping me create my very own personal list of suggested "achievements"
to include in the game. Here are some examples: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-The Douche of the Baggervilles: Deliberately pull mobs when no one's paying attention to your frat-boy jokes and cause a wipe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Douche of Earl: Ridicule a person's class as
inferior, but then create a character of that same class and pretend you
never mocked it in the first place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Blame Canada: Be a Canadian.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-My Basement Brings All the Nerds Downstairs: Live in your mom's basement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Trapped in the Closet: Constantly attempt to affirm your heterosexual status by making insulting gay jokes.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-God Save the Queen: Throw a hissy fit for no
reason and type in caps for a full hour after someone declines to join a
group you're coordinating.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Isn't It Ironic?: Bitch and moan about how no one
offers to help you, when it's painfully clear to everyone else that
you've never assisted anyone unless the effort benefitted your stupid
needs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Does This Bug You? Does This Bug You? Huh?: Slyly
insinuate my inferior status among your guildmates, but stop short of
openly insulting me, because that would make Jeremy mad. And Lord knows
you don't want that to happen, do you, Jesse-Wesse?
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Act Your Age: Behave like a spoiled teenager with ADHD when you're pushing 30.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Cocaine Is One Hell of a Drug: Type incoherently
when excited/peeing yourself/staring at your character's ass/kissing
Jeremy's ass/making furious love to your bag of circus peanuts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-My Epeen's Bigger Than Your Epeen: Actually, this
isn't an achievement; this is my way of telling you that although I
don't have a penis, I still think mine is larger. Here's a visual
comparison:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: :-----------------------------<wbr></wbr>------------- ^o^!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You: . :-(</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Think about it, won't you? Thank you. (UPDATE:
Apparently, not long after I left the guild, Jesse suffered from a
stroke and had to be admitted to the hospital, where he was bedridden
for several days. His entire right side was paralyzed
for some time. Add to that he lost his job, his father passed away
unexpectedly, his sister was diagnosed with a bizarre and deadly
disease, and he has no money to pay for his medical bills, and you've
got a serious case of karma on your hands. I asked Shane
and Jim what his condition was like, and they both told me he's
improving, albeit slowly. He hasn't been able to play for long periods
of time because his back hurts when he sits too long, and he's still in
physical therapy. So...yet another series of insults
I should strike off this list). UPDATE PARTE DEUX: Jess told me in
August that Jesse got into a huge argument with Jeremy and left the
guild. Turns out Jesse didn't appreciate it when his raid spot was taken
by someone else, and he was pissed when Jeremy wouldn't
give it back to him. Let's think about this for a second, shall we?
Jesse suffered a stroke sometime in late February and was in the
hospital for at least a month, where he couldn't do anything more than
sit in one place and breathe. Then came the physical
therapy sessions, which took a few more months, and then, when he
started playing again, he couldn't play for long periods of time because
of back pain. Can you blame Jeremy for wanting to replace Jesse?
(Asshatery aside, I mean.) Fortunately, as much of as
an asshole as he can be, Jeremy does have a certain amount of common
sense, and he told Jesse he wasn't going to cut out someone who's been a
fixture in his raid group for over six months in favor of someone who's
physically incapable of sitting in one place
for hours at a time. Jesse, not content with hanging with the B squad,
threw a tantrum and left the guild in a grand display of rage. Yeah.
Remember when I said I felt sorry for Jesse and I'd refrain from mocking
him in the future? I'm starting to rethink
that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Julie--Honey, you're 12. Go make some friends.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Damien/Damian/Damion/Fuck it/Ordament--If I wanted
to know how delicious a certain type of beer was, I'd go buy it and try
it myself, not listen to inane drivel in Mumble or guild chat for three
hours. If I wanted to give myself an ipecac,
I would eat poutine. And if I really wanted to hear how much damage you
deliver in raids/groups, or how epic your gear is, or how you pity
anyone who doesn't match your supposedly high gaming standards, or how
you cornered the herb market by selling stacks
of Silverleaf for a gold each or some shit like that, I would give
myself a lobotomy so I'd sit back and enjoy the nonsense. I really don't
want to hear it, and I'm pretty sure no one else does, either. But
yeah, anyway...I have a dream, Ordament. And in that
dream, something eats you. And I wake up laughing. Oh, and
congratulations on earning the "Blame Canada" achievement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jeremy--You know, you probably don't give a rat's
ass about what I'm going to say, seeing as how your ego is roughly the
size of Mount Rushmore, but I'm going to say it anyway. I know you told
me it doesn't matter how I play, and you're
not going to dictate how I should play, but your attitude indicates
otherwise. I've raided with you (unfortunately), and I've witnessed your
brutal treatment of other players if they happen to make one mistake.
EARTH TO GUILD MASTER: this is a fucking game.
This is not a way of life, this is not your job, this is not your
spouse to make love to every night. (And if you do make love to it, then
it's time to take a nice, long trip to the friendly place with the men
in white lab coats). Yelling at me is not going
to make me learn; if anything, it's going to make me do one of two
things: 1) cry and feel bad or 2) get angry and fling it right back. As
you can see, I'm well into phase 2. When I log onto this game, I log on
to have fun. Not to conduct research on how a
fight should be executed, not to use a white board and scribble on it
in Magic Marker like some crazed, retired football coach organizing a
game plan, and definitely not to calculate complex mathematical formulas
on the probability of the effectiveness of
one spell vs. another in taking down a boss. Dude, I have a job, and it
drains me. When I come home at the end of the day, I want to relax and
have fun. Your guild does NOT do that for me. YOU don't do that for me.
Therefore, what should I give you in return?
Nothing. This is my account, I'll play how I want, and you can kiss my
sweet Philly ass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I bid you farewell.</div>
Qattah (pronounced "KAH-TAH", you illiterate monkeys)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-61954954997152042152013-04-18T11:06:00.000-07:002013-04-25T14:21:52.435-07:00Dear NetflixDear Netflix:<br />
<br />
I'm going to try to keep this brief.<br />
<br />
You have cornered the market in home dvd/streaming video rentals. Reed Hastings, your CEO, pulls in $4 million a year for a salary. Impressive. Significantly less impressive is the absurd catalog of streamable viewing options available through Netflix. If my $8 a month is contributing to Mr. Hastings's four-million-dollar annual salary, then I better stop seeing such shittastic titles that nobody in their right mind would willingly watch. Moreover, you continually remove the content that I actually want to watch. Where have all the <i>MST3K</i> episodes gone? Where is <i>Deadwood</i>? Where is <i>Boardwalk Empire</i>? Where is <i>Community</i>? All these used to be available but aren't anymore. Where are any halfway decent movies that aren't 5+ years old? I can count them on one hand. It's pretty pathetic. Instead we get treated to such celluloid gems as:<br />
<br />
Sargent Kabukiman: NYPD<br />
Zombie Sorority Girls <br />
Assault of the Sasquatch <br />
Nazis at the Center of the Earth <br />
Another Gay Movie<br />
Chop Kick Panda<br />
Shaolin Grandma <br />
My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire<br />
<br />
The sad thing? I only made up ONE of those titles. The others are ACTUAL TITLES. I'll leave it to you to guess which one....<br />
<br />
Also, I do not live in Marcus Hook, PA. I don't live in PA at all. Stop telling me what is popular in Marcus Hook, PA. I don't give a shit. Listen, if you are, indeed, telling the truth about what is popular in Marcus Hook, then you have done the residents of said town an extreme disservice. No one will want to associate with any miscreants from Marcus Hook, thanks to your revelations about their disturbing viewing preferences. Ever. <br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
I'm Paying For This?<br />
<br />
PS: if you remove <i>Columbo</i> from the streaming list and out of my instant queue, I will hunt you down.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-1241455127633303202013-04-15T20:46:00.001-07:002013-04-15T20:47:46.079-07:00Dear Carlos SantanaDear Mr. Santana:<br />
<br />
¿Oye como va? While I generally like most of your music, your absurd line of tacky, overpriced, hooker shoes leaves a lot to be desired. Seriously, what in the name of Manolo Blahnik qualifies you to design women's shoes anyway? Hmm? Can I get in on that action? For reals.<br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
I'd Rather Be Shoeless Than Look Like A Ten-dollar WhoreGinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-15392394630765689192013-04-14T08:31:00.000-07:002013-04-14T17:24:15.048-07:00Dear Gabriel ByrneDear Gabriel:<br />
<br />
Can I call you Gabriel? Do me a favor: pick an accent. I don't care which one; but just pick ONE. I can't deal with the crazy-ass amalgam of Anglo/French/Estonian/Australian/South African that comes tumbling out of your gob anymore. I'm pretty sure you're a Dubliner, so how about you just go with that? It works for Bono, right?<br />
<br />
K, THX!<br />
<br />
PS: I'm sorry that I often confuse you with Ian McShane. Must be the sideburns.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-87508185769228672562013-04-12T08:13:00.001-07:002013-04-12T11:21:00.465-07:00Dear Billy JoelDear Mr. Joel:<br />
<br />
You suck ass. You have got to be the least-talented, yet most-overrated, musician of your generation. Every time I hear <i>Captain Jack</i>, <i>Only the Good Die Young</i>, or that Brenda Renetti song, I my internal organs start to desiccate and I want to shove drywall screw anchors into my ears.<br />
<br />
On second thought, maybe I'll just get a rifle and snipe you.<br />
<br />
You are easy enough to find, being a horrible, misshapen lush. I'll just look in a local, New York rehab or maybe see which car is wrapped around the nearest tree. It will most likely be yours.<br />
Although, I can't blame you. If I were you, I'd try to wrap my car around a tree too. Please die soon.<br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
A fan (NOT)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510458683997014228.post-68151788757544317922013-04-12T08:03:00.000-07:002013-04-12T08:03:09.110-07:00IntroductionOne of my favorite short stories of all time is <i>Bartleby the Scrivener</i>, by Herman Melville. I am dedicating this blog of humorous, angry, thankful, scathing, or otherwise "undeliverable letters" to Herman Melville's wonderful story and character, Bartleby the Scrivener. <i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>"Ah, Bartleby! Ah, humanity!"</i>Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05819623813366777661noreply@blogger.com0