From time to time I will give everyone's eyes a break from my rantings and post letters written by others. The following is an open letter from an MMORPG player to her former guild-mates:
Begin:
(originally written in February 2012; updates made August 2012 through February 2013)
WARNING: the following announcement will burn several bridges.
Anthony (quit WoW early 2013)
Rob (quit WoW September 2012)
Jay (quit WoW late 2012)
Chas (joined another server)
Mo (quit WoW late 2012)
Brian
Garys (?) I think there are two.
Dan
John (I don't even know where he is now)
Justin (quit WoW sometime in summer 2012)
Jess
If your name happens to be listed above,
congratulations! You have earned my respect and trust, and I genuinely
like you as people. And I will also regret leaving you behind to deal
with the asshatery. But, thanks to RealID, we can still
communicate, so that helps. Be sure to give me a whisper if you ever
need anything, and I will be more than happy to assist.
And now, it's time to ignite the flames of hatred.
Jim--So, let me get this straight...you're a
racist, homophobic, rabbit-murdering, microscopic-minded Army twat who
sounds like Ray Romano on painkillers, and yet you put ME on your ignore
list because...? Ok, fine. Be that way. I sincerely
hope you die in a car fire. Go and tell that to your wife and kids.
(UPDATE: Jim left the guild not long after me, so this insult is now
moot. My respect for him has increased a tad).
Kelly--You are a close contender in the "I'm so
passive-aggressive, I can't really maybe definitely possibly make up my
mind...kinda" contest. Your constant waffling back and forth, combined
with your utter inability to heal and your condescending
nature towards me, pisses me the fuck off. Also, don't tell me to learn
my class when you obviously can't get your shit together. Know me for
who I am and learn some fucking respect.
Sean--Grow a penis and learn how to run a raid. That is all.
Dinesh--DING DING DING! You are the winner of the
"Most Annoyingly Passive-Aggressive Raider of All Time" sweepstakes!
Your prize? A giant middle finger, courtesy of me. You're welcome.
Jesse--GRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATS!GRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATSGRATS
MOTHERFUCKER! But on a more serious note, I should thank you for
helping me create my very own personal list of suggested "achievements"
to include in the game. Here are some examples:
-The Douche of the Baggervilles: Deliberately pull mobs when no one's paying attention to your frat-boy jokes and cause a wipe.
-Douche of Earl: Ridicule a person's class as
inferior, but then create a character of that same class and pretend you
never mocked it in the first place.
-Blame Canada: Be a Canadian.
-My Basement Brings All the Nerds Downstairs: Live in your mom's basement.
-Trapped in the Closet: Constantly attempt to affirm your heterosexual status by making insulting gay jokes.
-God Save the Queen: Throw a hissy fit for no
reason and type in caps for a full hour after someone declines to join a
group you're coordinating.
-Isn't It Ironic?: Bitch and moan about how no one
offers to help you, when it's painfully clear to everyone else that
you've never assisted anyone unless the effort benefitted your stupid
needs.
-Does This Bug You? Does This Bug You? Huh?: Slyly
insinuate my inferior status among your guildmates, but stop short of
openly insulting me, because that would make Jeremy mad. And Lord knows
you don't want that to happen, do you, Jesse-Wesse?
-Act Your Age: Behave like a spoiled teenager with ADHD when you're pushing 30.
-Cocaine Is One Hell of a Drug: Type incoherently
when excited/peeing yourself/staring at your character's ass/kissing
Jeremy's ass/making furious love to your bag of circus peanuts.
-My Epeen's Bigger Than Your Epeen: Actually, this
isn't an achievement; this is my way of telling you that although I
don't have a penis, I still think mine is larger. Here's a visual
comparison:
Me: :------------------------------------------ ^o^!
You: . :-(
Think about it, won't you? Thank you. (UPDATE:
Apparently, not long after I left the guild, Jesse suffered from a
stroke and had to be admitted to the hospital, where he was bedridden
for several days. His entire right side was paralyzed
for some time. Add to that he lost his job, his father passed away
unexpectedly, his sister was diagnosed with a bizarre and deadly
disease, and he has no money to pay for his medical bills, and you've
got a serious case of karma on your hands. I asked Shane
and Jim what his condition was like, and they both told me he's
improving, albeit slowly. He hasn't been able to play for long periods
of time because his back hurts when he sits too long, and he's still in
physical therapy. So...yet another series of insults
I should strike off this list). UPDATE PARTE DEUX: Jess told me in
August that Jesse got into a huge argument with Jeremy and left the
guild. Turns out Jesse didn't appreciate it when his raid spot was taken
by someone else, and he was pissed when Jeremy wouldn't
give it back to him. Let's think about this for a second, shall we?
Jesse suffered a stroke sometime in late February and was in the
hospital for at least a month, where he couldn't do anything more than
sit in one place and breathe. Then came the physical
therapy sessions, which took a few more months, and then, when he
started playing again, he couldn't play for long periods of time because
of back pain. Can you blame Jeremy for wanting to replace Jesse?
(Asshatery aside, I mean.) Fortunately, as much of as
an asshole as he can be, Jeremy does have a certain amount of common
sense, and he told Jesse he wasn't going to cut out someone who's been a
fixture in his raid group for over six months in favor of someone who's
physically incapable of sitting in one place
for hours at a time. Jesse, not content with hanging with the B squad,
threw a tantrum and left the guild in a grand display of rage. Yeah.
Remember when I said I felt sorry for Jesse and I'd refrain from mocking
him in the future? I'm starting to rethink
that.
Julie--Honey, you're 12. Go make some friends.
Damien/Damian/Damion/Fuck it/Ordament--If I wanted
to know how delicious a certain type of beer was, I'd go buy it and try
it myself, not listen to inane drivel in Mumble or guild chat for three
hours. If I wanted to give myself an ipecac,
I would eat poutine. And if I really wanted to hear how much damage you
deliver in raids/groups, or how epic your gear is, or how you pity
anyone who doesn't match your supposedly high gaming standards, or how
you cornered the herb market by selling stacks
of Silverleaf for a gold each or some shit like that, I would give
myself a lobotomy so I'd sit back and enjoy the nonsense. I really don't
want to hear it, and I'm pretty sure no one else does, either. But
yeah, anyway...I have a dream, Ordament. And in that
dream, something eats you. And I wake up laughing. Oh, and
congratulations on earning the "Blame Canada" achievement.
Jeremy--You know, you probably don't give a rat's
ass about what I'm going to say, seeing as how your ego is roughly the
size of Mount Rushmore, but I'm going to say it anyway. I know you told
me it doesn't matter how I play, and you're
not going to dictate how I should play, but your attitude indicates
otherwise. I've raided with you (unfortunately), and I've witnessed your
brutal treatment of other players if they happen to make one mistake.
EARTH TO GUILD MASTER: this is a fucking game.
This is not a way of life, this is not your job, this is not your
spouse to make love to every night. (And if you do make love to it, then
it's time to take a nice, long trip to the friendly place with the men
in white lab coats). Yelling at me is not going
to make me learn; if anything, it's going to make me do one of two
things: 1) cry and feel bad or 2) get angry and fling it right back. As
you can see, I'm well into phase 2. When I log onto this game, I log on
to have fun. Not to conduct research on how a
fight should be executed, not to use a white board and scribble on it
in Magic Marker like some crazed, retired football coach organizing a
game plan, and definitely not to calculate complex mathematical formulas
on the probability of the effectiveness of
one spell vs. another in taking down a boss. Dude, I have a job, and it
drains me. When I come home at the end of the day, I want to relax and
have fun. Your guild does NOT do that for me. YOU don't do that for me.
Therefore, what should I give you in return?
Nothing. This is my account, I'll play how I want, and you can kiss my
sweet Philly ass.
I bid you farewell.
Qattah (pronounced "KAH-TAH", you illiterate monkeys)
